Tag Archives: Sibling loss

Losing a sibling

Dear Michael

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Day 903 since you passed away. I have no more of any sort of understanding than I did 902 days ago. If anything, I have less understanding because I have thought of more reasons you should still be here.

What we have accomplished since you left us has been pretty phenomenal. You’d be very proud and you’d agree it is pretty “kool”.

Pictured above are school supplies from the first Kool Mike Skool Supplies Drive. We collected over $700 worth of supplies donated throughout our community.

Just to give you an idea of what we collected, we had over 30 backpacks, close to 1000 pens, almost 600 pencils, 60 packs each of crayons and pencil crayons, erasers, pencil sharpeners, rulers, workbooks, binders, highlighters, glue sticks and so much more.

Earlier this year we had reached out to our family and friends and were able to donate warm winter gear for less fortunate folks.

Michael, we will continue to honor your legacy. You were, and will continue to be such a hero to many.

~So much magic~     You would be so proud.

I miss you so much, Michael. We all do.

Way Up!

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One of my fondest memories of my brother was when he took a Greyhound bus from Fort McMurray to Edmonton.

Anyone who knew Michael knows he could sleep anywhere and anytime. So as he would he fell asleep while the bus was driving.

If you knew him you’d also know that he is incredibly bad at waking up. Like I’m talking he  will swing at you. Which increases my awe of the stranger who became a good Samaritan in this short story.

Him and another passenger were the last people on the bus. As he came out from the bus I could see him wave goodbye to an older Asian lady. I thought maybe he knew her.

Once he was in my car and we are on our way he kind of chuckled out of nowhere and I asked him what was so funny. He told me that he had fallen asleep on the bus right at the first hour of the five hour drive. And that lady had tried to wake him up once once bus stopped.

He said that the lady didn’t have very strong English skills but he kept hearing her say over and over “way up!”

Wayyyyy uppp and good morning!

I miss you so much Michael, we all do.

Birthday’s Are Good For You

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This weekend I celebrated my 43rd birthday. I use the word celebrated because that is what is expected.

What actually happened was a quick visit with the family, birthday cake and cards. Then takeout for supper followed by 13 hours of sleep. Guess I needed sleep.

Life Goals

Living my life without my brother was never something I imagined I’d be doing at such a young age. There is so much pressure for me to celebrate each and every year without him.

I miss you so much Michael. We all do.

Of Course It’s a Pandemic!

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2019 was a tough year for our family and friends. Losing Michael was heartbreaking and stopped our worlds for a bit and certainly made for a tough act to follow.

Cue 2020… Worldwide pandemic. Covid-19 has officially replicated the oddness of the prior year . A year of lockdowns and, for no reason, a shortage of toilet paper.

Looks about right for 2020

I have not written for quite a few months. Not for lack of words or material but I simply did not want to write about the current state of the world. Mostly because it is EVERYWHERE one looks. However, I felt I had no choice.

Michael would have had quite the thoughts on what is going on in the world. Layoffs, shortages of essential products, lockdown, CERB, theories, sheeple, and government.

Although entertaining, the world has turned sour. Each for their own mentality. Greed has risen. People have hoarded necessary life supplies. And nobody has any reasonable explanation why.

I can definitely understand how mental health problems can amplify during these times. It is something I am learning about slowly, whether I like it or not. It can be a very lonely time for some. There are people without many of the resources we have that can make our lives so easy and convenient. Everyone has a struggle, some silent and some are shared.

Times like these we need to be together, in spirit, as much as possible. The season of lifting spirits is upon us, though it may not feel like it at times. I urge you to take the time to make eye contact with a stranger, or even say hello. Often times, we are now half hidden and might need a little encouragement to have a positive moment.

Always be a light in darkness…

I miss you Michael, we all do.

Death is a terrorist

I’ve never been one to fear death. Yes, I’ve always been aware of it, maybe just something about the closeness of my brothers passing that brought new light to it. I’m not sure.

I don’t think it’s the death I fear I think it’s the inconvenience to my family and my friends. The change. And knowing it’s the end of life here.

The knowing at anytime my life could be taken and what heartache that would cause my Mum. I’m not sure how she would survive that.

With that comes a brand new feeling. I have also recently discovered the feeling of death anxiety. Something brand new to me. There is a certain level of fear connected to death anxiety. Fear of dying, which also brings out this odd fear of living at the same time.

I’ve never struggled with anxiety. I have always enjoyed being social. Now, I get the worst anxiety before I have to do something out of the house. I can handle the occasional grocery store run or gas station stop. But I have to be prepared. If I have plans with friends, driving there all I can think about is how to not die, all while thinking about the ways I could die being outside of the house. Such a bizarre feeling. I can’t wait for the summer so I can be outside, but still at home.

Every day is still a struggle to convince myself this is the new normal. That my brother is no longer here. I never would have thought in a million years that my 44 year old brother would die of a heart attack. Completely insane. It will never be ok.

I miss you so much, Michael. We all do.

I’m not mad at you, 2019. Just disappointed

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What started off as a great new year surprised us all shortly in last year. Being a new year, I now have to say my brother died last year.

Wednesday March 27th, 2019 is the day he had his heart attack and he died 4 days later. March 31st, the day everything changed.

Nothing will ever be the same. Birthdays, Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, Oiler games, summer, winter, concerts, funny show’s, one liners, jokes-good or bad. I could go on, but the point is NOTHING IS THE SAME without my brother.

I have pictures on my phone from when he was in the hospital attached to tubes, bags and monitors. I still can’t bring myself to even look at them. I took them so that when he woke up I could show him what he looked like so maybe he would understand how scared we were. Had I known that he wouldn’t recover I would never have taken them. I’m not sure I will ever look at them.

My feelings remain the same almost 10 months later. Although I am not mad about it anymore, I do still wonder why everyday. For me not understanding why it happened is the hardest. There simply is no reason. They say everything happens for a reason, but I’m not convinced. For this, there is no reasonable explanation. And I guess that’s okay.

I miss you so much, Michael. We all do.

Seek and Balance

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There are a lot of emotions and feelings that happen after you lose your brother that nobody talks about.

In my case, my only sibling was my brother. There is this brand new fear of death. I was never scared of death much before he passed away. Maybe it’s not so much a fear of death and more like pressure to live.

Pressure to live, to not have my Mum go through something like that pain again. Pressure to live and to continue doing the things my brother loved. So he knows that every day I think of him. Everyday. I still have a hard time not crying, at least fight back tears at the mention of his name. Sometimes it only takes a thought of him and I’m triggered.

Lately my emotions get confused and shuffle themselves and buddy up. This new hybrid-emotion I’ve  started feeling is something like a frustration-rage. I have no idea how it happens, but I’m sure it falls somewhere within the grieving process.

It doesn’t last too long, thankfully and if I’m fortunate enough for it to happen while I’m driving I can usually balance my self out with the help of some music.

My People

I miss you so much, Michael. We all do.

Happy Birthday Michael

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November 24 1974 to March 31 2019

My brother was always so excited for anyone’s birthday. Not just birth-day but birth-week. He loved to celebrate any occasion. He was usually the guy who sends the most ridiculous cards, memes or picture messages.

He always had a very unique way of making everyone feel so special, no matter the occasion. We are all truly blessed for having known Kool Mike. He made this world a better place.

This week brings us his first birthday away from us. It’s all I can think about, and is literally sucking the life from inside me. This grief is unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. Tonight at dinner my mum and I caught eyes and looking into her eyes I could see exactly what I was feeling.

Next is Christmas, kind of a terrible double header of extremely sad firsts. I know it’s not going to be easy, this next month, but I will try to keep myself busy, healthy and happy.

Happy Birthday Michael. I miss you so much, we all do.

World’s Greatest Gift

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Recently this showed up at our place. I had purchased a subscription for my brother last Christmas, 2018.

I kind of forgot about it actually. I was so proud that after all these years I finally found him the perfect gift. He was so excited when he got the first one. I think he only enjoyed the first magazine before he had his heart attack in March.

He used to spend all of his money on the same things growing up- fireworks, Popular Science, Popular Mechanics, and candy. And any left over money went to more candy.

It breaks my heart that he didn’t even get to enjoy his whole subscription. Just another reason that his death wasn’t fair. Every day I find at least one more reason.

I miss you, Michael. We all do.

I’ll Always Have Google, I Guess.

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There have been so many feelings lately. My go-to, how-to, how do I guy is no longer here to answer questions or just be there to do things I’ve never done before. Or to show me how to do those things.

Growing up I always had a fear of lawnmowers. Well the time came a few years back  when I had asked my brother to come show me how to use my new lawnmower.

Away he went, around the yard, over and over. When there was just a small patch left he turned to me and asked “wanna try?” I said, no, I’m still scared. So gladly he finished it. That was one of my favorite days with him. He never complained about the work anytime throughout the process.

I guess I’ll always have Google to tell me how to do something, or YouTube to show me. But nothing will come close to the brotherly love I’ve been used to my whole life.

I miss you so much, Michael. We all do.

Memories are all we’ll ever have

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This past weekend we moved my brothers family into their new home. It’s the end of a chapter and the beginning of a new one. It was truly wonderful to see all the help from his friends. The original crew mostly. Fort McMurray old school came to help out. It’s amazing to see how many people he touched that are here for our family.

It was an empty feeling standing in his bedroom where he had his heart attack. Such a sad feeling. I often wonder if he knew what was happening that morning. Did he feel it coming on? Was he scared? Or did it happen so fast his body was unaware? I have so many questions that will go unanswered.

I just hope he knows the amount of love and prayers that surrounded him in his final days. At times, I would have guessed there were close to 50 people in the hospital waiting area. Out pouring of such strong love. From miles away. Old friends, new friends.

Michael’s Remember Me Table at his service. April 13,2019

At his memorial service we had close to 300 signatures in his guest book. It was a very overwhelming day. However sad it was, it was filled with so much joy and love for one person. I don’t think my mum realized just how special he was to so many people. I know I had to take a second to take it all in before my speech. As short as it was, it felt like forever, I think because it was the largest crowd I had ever spoken in front of. I also knew if I went into too much detail about Michael it would have been extremely hard to make it through the whole thing.

Most endings are usually followed by a new beginning. In this case we hope it is a happy beginning.

I miss you, Michael. We all do.

Is Anyone Ever Ready To Become The Only Child?

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Michael on his 40th birthday

Another question I’ll never know the answer to. I never imagined my brother would suddenly die in my early forties.

This was never the way it was supposed to go. We were going to be old and funny. Go to the mall for lunch, A&W For breakfast, rent mobility aid scooters, get discounted deals everywhere. Simply because we were old, and lived life. Celebrating being old.

I imagine Scot and I will still do these things, but it won’t be the same. I won’t have my big brother. The guy who always had the answers to all my questions. Every single one.

I’ve had so many questions buzzing in my head since he died. I’ve missed him so much and so many times. I’ve done so many things that I would have shared with him. He truly brought the best out in everyone.

I miss you, Michael ❤Always and forever. ❤

Who Needs Mascara, Anyway?

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I haven’t worn mascara since March, 2019. I just couldn’t seem to keep it on without it turning to a streaky mess. I’ve come to the point where I am comfortable without it now.

Grief often feels like when you’re driving down a road you’ve never been down before. Except there aren’t many signs which tell you which way to go.                                        

William A. Switzer Provincial Park

I think about my brother every day. All day. I just have so many questions to ask. Not ask him but someone, or something. I guess the hardest question would be why? Why did this happen? I’ll never ever get an answer to that question. Nobody ever does. Maybe as days go by you just start to wonder less.

I miss you, Michael. We all do.