Recently this showed up at our place. I had purchased a subscription for my brother last Christmas, 2018.
I kind of forgot about it actually. I was so proud that after all these years I finally found him the perfect gift. He was so excited when he got the first one. I think he only enjoyed the first magazine before he had his heart attack in March.
He used to spend all of his money on the same things growing up- fireworks, Popular Science, Popular Mechanics, and candy. And any left over money went to more candy.
It breaks my heart that he didn’t even get to enjoy his whole subscription. Just another reason that his death wasn’t fair. Every day I find at least one more reason.
There have been so many feelings lately. My go-to, how-to, how do I guy is no longer here to answer questions or just be there to do things I’ve never done before. Or to show me how to do those things.
Growing up I always had a fear of lawnmowers. Well the time came a few years back when I had asked my brother to come show me how to use my new lawnmower.
Away he went, around the yard, over and over. When there was just a small patch left he turned to me and asked “wanna try?” I said, no, I’m still scared. So gladly he finished it. That was one of my favorite days with him. He never complained about the work anytime throughout the process.
I guess I’ll always have Google to tell me how to do something, or YouTube to show me. But nothing will come close to the brotherly love I’ve been used to my whole life.
This past weekend we moved my brothers family into their new home. It’s the end of a chapter and the beginning of a new one. It was truly wonderful to see all the help from his friends. The original crew mostly. Fort McMurray old school came to help out. It’s amazing to see how many people he touched that are here for our family.
It was an empty feeling standing in his bedroom where he had his heart attack. Such a sad feeling. I often wonder if he knew what was happening that morning. Did he feel it coming on? Was he scared? Or did it happen so fast his body was unaware? I have so many questions that will go unanswered.
I just hope he knows the amount of love and prayers that surrounded him in his final days. At times, I would have guessed there were close to 50 people in the hospital waiting area. Out pouring of such strong love. From miles away. Old friends, new friends.
At his memorial service we had close to 300 signatures in his guest book. It was a very overwhelming day. However sad it was, it was filled with so much joy and love for one person. I don’t think my mum realized just how special he was to so many people. I know I had to take a second to take it all in before my speech. As short as it was, it felt like forever, I think because it was the largest crowd I had ever spoken in front of. I also knew if I went into too much detail about Michael it would have been extremely hard to make it through the whole thing.
Most endings are usually followed by a new beginning. In this case we hope it is a happy beginning.
Another question I’ll never know the answer to. I never imagined my brother would suddenly die in my early forties.
This was never the way it was supposed to go. We were going to be old and funny. Go to the mall for lunch, A&W For breakfast, rent mobility aid scooters, get discounted deals everywhere. Simply because we were old, and lived life. Celebrating being old.
I imagine Scot and I will still do these things, but it won’t be the same. I won’t have my big brother. The guy who always had the answers to all my questions. Every single one.
I’ve had so many questions buzzing in my head since he died. I’ve missed him so much and so many times. I’ve done so many things that I would have shared with him. He truly brought the best out in everyone.
I haven’t worn mascara since March, 2019. I just couldn’t seem to keep it on without it turning to a streaky mess. I’ve come to the point where I am comfortable without it now.
Grief often feels like when you’re driving down a road you’ve never been down before. Except there aren’t many signs which tell you which way to go.
I think about my brother every day. All day. I just have so many questions to ask. Not ask him but someone, or something. I guess the hardest question would be why? Why did this happen? I’ll never ever get an answer to that question. Nobody ever does. Maybe as days go by you just start to wonder less.
On Saturday August 10, 2019 we celebrated my brother and held the first ever Mike Lowe Memorial Golf Tourney. We had about 36 golfers and all proceeds will go to The Royal Alex CK Hui Heart Clinic. Michael spent the last 5 days of his life there.
This event was incredible. We managed to raise quite a lot of money for the hospital.
We had a great team of volunteers, sponsors and players. Rosie’s was the host bar and provided some drinks, lunch and dinner. I’d like to extend a huge shout out to The Bradshaw’s, Melissa, Erin Hardie, Susan and Wayne and the Rocky Mountain Ice House , Regal Steel, HSE, Edmonton Exchanger, and The Sicilian Pasta Kitchen South for their generous donations.
It’s so surreal still for me to think my brother really isn’t here with us. Listening to people talk and remember all the good times, and to have a toast to him, it’s crazy. It really doesn’t feel real yet.