Dear Michael

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Day 903 since you passed away. I have no more of any sort of understanding than I did 902 days ago. If anything, I have less understanding because I have thought of more reasons you should still be here.

What we have accomplished since you left us has been pretty phenomenal. You’d be very proud and you’d agree it is pretty “kool”.

Pictured above are school supplies from the first Kool Mike Skool Supplies Drive. We collected over $700 worth of supplies donated throughout our community.

Just to give you an idea of what we collected, we had over 30 backpacks, close to 1000 pens, almost 600 pencils, 60 packs each of crayons and pencil crayons, erasers, pencil sharpeners, rulers, workbooks, binders, highlighters, glue sticks and so much more.

Earlier this year we had reached out to our family and friends and were able to donate warm winter gear for less fortunate folks.

Michael, we will continue to honor your legacy. You were, and will continue to be such a hero to many.

~So much magic~     You would be so proud.

I miss you so much, Michael. We all do.

Smelling the Past

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Recently I got to thinking about things that prompt a memory. A song, a movie or even a smell.

And sometimes, for that brief moment you can actually smell it.

I was reminded of how a certain pizza place used to smell. Walking into the building that housed the restaurant, the aroma of the pizza flooded the air and it was all you could smell walking through.

I think we can all relate to this

Another odd memory was the smell and taste of Crystal Pepsi. Although I wasn’t a big fan of it, it certainly took me back hearing that name. I only tried it a handful of times and to me it tasted like Pop Rocks Candy. 

Remembering these smells reminds me that we had a pretty awesome childhood, our parents did what it took to make us happy and showed us how to be good people.

Is there a specific scent that reminds you of someone? Or something? Or even a place? 

I miss you so much, Michael. We all do.

Way Up!

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One of my fondest memories of my brother was when he took a Greyhound bus from Fort McMurray to Edmonton.

Anyone who knew Michael knows he could sleep anywhere and anytime. So as he would he fell asleep while the bus was driving.

If you knew him you’d also know that he is incredibly bad at waking up. Like I’m talking he  will swing at you. Which increases my awe of the stranger who became a good Samaritan in this short story.

Him and another passenger were the last people on the bus. As he came out from the bus I could see him wave goodbye to an older Asian lady. I thought maybe he knew her.

Once he was in my car and we are on our way he kind of chuckled out of nowhere and I asked him what was so funny. He told me that he had fallen asleep on the bus right at the first hour of the five hour drive. And that lady had tried to wake him up once once bus stopped.

He said that the lady didn’t have very strong English skills but he kept hearing her say over and over “way up!”

Wayyyyy uppp and good morning!

I miss you so much Michael, we all do.

Birthday’s Are Good For You

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This weekend I celebrated my 43rd birthday. I use the word celebrated because that is what is expected.

What actually happened was a quick visit with the family, birthday cake and cards. Then takeout for supper followed by 13 hours of sleep. Guess I needed sleep.

Life Goals

Living my life without my brother was never something I imagined I’d be doing at such a young age. There is so much pressure for me to celebrate each and every year without him.

I miss you so much Michael. We all do.

Just Don’t…

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Make eye contact with strangers.

A very long time ago I learned a valuable lesson that came into play again this morning.  While I was out running errands, I had pulled over in an empty parking to send a few texts, etc. 

After a minute or two I look up and see a car approaching me. Okay, cool, someone else is here. It is a blue Taxi. Car 555.

He slows down as he is beside me, I look over and he is staring at me. Dangit we made eye contact! He’s past me now but he stops and reverses. He is again beside my car. His window is down now.

I roll mine down and say hello. He says hello back and asks how I am. Good, I say. He asks where I live so I lie and say a few streets away. He then asks if I’m married. Then continues to ask more personal questions.

Why do men assume that when a woman literally only “looks” at them that it is an opportunity to talk as if there was interest?

I simply made eye contact in a public place and he went out of his way to come back and talk to me. I did not wave or appear to be in danger or in need of help.

I guess I’ll just go back to my anti social bubble and not look at anyone in the event I have to live my life 🙃

Of Course It’s a Pandemic!

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2019 was a tough year for our family and friends. Losing Michael was heartbreaking and stopped our worlds for a bit and certainly made for a tough act to follow.

Cue 2020… Worldwide pandemic. Covid-19 has officially replicated the oddness of the prior year . A year of lockdowns and, for no reason, a shortage of toilet paper.

Looks about right for 2020

I have not written for quite a few months. Not for lack of words or material but I simply did not want to write about the current state of the world. Mostly because it is EVERYWHERE one looks. However, I felt I had no choice.

Michael would have had quite the thoughts on what is going on in the world. Layoffs, shortages of essential products, lockdown, CERB, theories, sheeple, and government.

Although entertaining, the world has turned sour. Each for their own mentality. Greed has risen. People have hoarded necessary life supplies. And nobody has any reasonable explanation why.

I can definitely understand how mental health problems can amplify during these times. It is something I am learning about slowly, whether I like it or not. It can be a very lonely time for some. There are people without many of the resources we have that can make our lives so easy and convenient. Everyone has a struggle, some silent and some are shared.

Times like these we need to be together, in spirit, as much as possible. The season of lifting spirits is upon us, though it may not feel like it at times. I urge you to take the time to make eye contact with a stranger, or even say hello. Often times, we are now half hidden and might need a little encouragement to have a positive moment.

Always be a light in darkness…

I miss you Michael, we all do.

Death is a terrorist

I’ve never been one to fear death. Yes, I’ve always been aware of it, maybe just something about the closeness of my brothers passing that brought new light to it. I’m not sure.

I don’t think it’s the death I fear I think it’s the inconvenience to my family and my friends. The change. And knowing it’s the end of life here.

The knowing at anytime my life could be taken and what heartache that would cause my Mum. I’m not sure how she would survive that.

With that comes a brand new feeling. I have also recently discovered the feeling of death anxiety. Something brand new to me. There is a certain level of fear connected to death anxiety. Fear of dying, which also brings out this odd fear of living at the same time.

I’ve never struggled with anxiety. I have always enjoyed being social. Now, I get the worst anxiety before I have to do something out of the house. I can handle the occasional grocery store run or gas station stop. But I have to be prepared. If I have plans with friends, driving there all I can think about is how to not die, all while thinking about the ways I could die being outside of the house. Such a bizarre feeling. I can’t wait for the summer so I can be outside, but still at home.

Every day is still a struggle to convince myself this is the new normal. That my brother is no longer here. I never would have thought in a million years that my 44 year old brother would die of a heart attack. Completely insane. It will never be ok.

I miss you so much, Michael. We all do.

I’m not mad at you, 2019. Just disappointed

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What started off as a great new year surprised us all shortly in last year. Being a new year, I now have to say my brother died last year.

Wednesday March 27th, 2019 is the day he had his heart attack and he died 4 days later. March 31st, the day everything changed.

Nothing will ever be the same. Birthdays, Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, Oiler games, summer, winter, concerts, funny show’s, one liners, jokes-good or bad. I could go on, but the point is NOTHING IS THE SAME without my brother.

I have pictures on my phone from when he was in the hospital attached to tubes, bags and monitors. I still can’t bring myself to even look at them. I took them so that when he woke up I could show him what he looked like so maybe he would understand how scared we were. Had I known that he wouldn’t recover I would never have taken them. I’m not sure I will ever look at them.

My feelings remain the same almost 10 months later. Although I am not mad about it anymore, I do still wonder why everyday. For me not understanding why it happened is the hardest. There simply is no reason. They say everything happens for a reason, but I’m not convinced. For this, there is no reasonable explanation. And I guess that’s okay.

I miss you so much, Michael. We all do.

Seek and Balance

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There are a lot of emotions and feelings that happen after you lose your brother that nobody talks about.

In my case, my only sibling was my brother. There is this brand new fear of death. I was never scared of death much before he passed away. Maybe it’s not so much a fear of death and more like pressure to live.

Pressure to live, to not have my Mum go through something like that pain again. Pressure to live and to continue doing the things my brother loved. So he knows that every day I think of him. Everyday. I still have a hard time not crying, at least fight back tears at the mention of his name. Sometimes it only takes a thought of him and I’m triggered.

Lately my emotions get confused and shuffle themselves and buddy up. This new hybrid-emotion I’ve  started feeling is something like a frustration-rage. I have no idea how it happens, but I’m sure it falls somewhere within the grieving process.

It doesn’t last too long, thankfully and if I’m fortunate enough for it to happen while I’m driving I can usually balance my self out with the help of some music.

My People

I miss you so much, Michael. We all do.

Happy Birthday Michael

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November 24 1974 to March 31 2019

My brother was always so excited for anyone’s birthday. Not just birth-day but birth-week. He loved to celebrate any occasion. He was usually the guy who sends the most ridiculous cards, memes or picture messages.

He always had a very unique way of making everyone feel so special, no matter the occasion. We are all truly blessed for having known Kool Mike. He made this world a better place.

This week brings us his first birthday away from us. It’s all I can think about, and is literally sucking the life from inside me. This grief is unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. Tonight at dinner my mum and I caught eyes and looking into her eyes I could see exactly what I was feeling.

Next is Christmas, kind of a terrible double header of extremely sad firsts. I know it’s not going to be easy, this next month, but I will try to keep myself busy, healthy and happy.

Happy Birthday Michael. I miss you so much, we all do.

A Day To Remember

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November 11th, we take time to remember those who gave their lives so we could live ours. Free and in peace. Those who sacrificed all they had. Some returned home to their families, and some were not that fortunate.

Each year that passes brings even more to remember. More lives lost in this past year. So much to be grateful for as each day passes. Family, health and friends.

I miss you, Michael. We all do.

Death comes and goes with it’s many faces

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The past few weeks have been a heavy weight on the heart. My mother in law, who has courageously battled cancer for many years has decided on a medically assisted death.

I can’t agree or disagree with this because I have never experienced this before. What I can say is I am proud of her decision. I admire her strength to be able to make that decision. And ultimately, it’s her decision and she has made it. It’s what she thinks is best.

The level of dignity in that decision is how we all should come to an end. No more pain for all. I know it seems strange to think about and many are not that fortunate. And possibly the most important thing at that time is to know how loved that person was. To be surrounded by your family, who loves you and wishes the pain would go away.

No matter the size of their family, big or small. Coming together to celebrate life and love is what matters most.

Memories really are the best things well ever have.

World’s Greatest Gift

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Recently this showed up at our place. I had purchased a subscription for my brother last Christmas, 2018.

I kind of forgot about it actually. I was so proud that after all these years I finally found him the perfect gift. He was so excited when he got the first one. I think he only enjoyed the first magazine before he had his heart attack in March.

He used to spend all of his money on the same things growing up- fireworks, Popular Science, Popular Mechanics, and candy. And any left over money went to more candy.

It breaks my heart that he didn’t even get to enjoy his whole subscription. Just another reason that his death wasn’t fair. Every day I find at least one more reason.

I miss you, Michael. We all do.