2019 was a tough year for our family and friends. Losing Michael was heartbreaking and stopped our worlds for a bit and certainly made for a tough act to follow.
Cue 2020… Worldwide pandemic. Covid-19 has officially replicated the oddness of the prior year . A year of lockdowns and, for no reason, a shortage of toilet paper.
I have not written for quite a few months. Not for lack of words or material but I simply did not want to write about the current state of the world. Mostly because it is EVERYWHERE one looks. However, I felt I had no choice.
Michael would have had quite the thoughts on what is going on in the world. Layoffs, shortages of essential products, lockdown, CERB, theories, sheeple, and government.
Although entertaining, the world has turned sour. Each for their own mentality. Greed has risen. People have hoarded necessary life supplies. And nobody has any reasonable explanation why.
I can definitely understand how mental health problems can amplify during these times. It is something I am learning about slowly, whether I like it or not. It can be a very lonely time for some. There are people without many of the resources we have that can make our lives so easy and convenient. Everyone has a struggle, some silent and some are shared.
Times like these we need to be together, in spirit, as much as possible. The season of lifting spirits is upon us, though it may not feel like it at times. I urge you to take the time to make eye contact with a stranger, or even say hello. Often times, we are now half hidden and might need a little encouragement to have a positive moment.
I’ve never been one to fear death. Yes, I’ve always been aware of it, maybe just something about the closeness of my brothers passing that brought new light to it. I’m not sure.
I don’t think it’s the death I fear I think it’s the inconvenience to my family and my friends. The change. And knowing it’s the end of life here.
The knowing at anytime my life could be taken and what heartache that would cause my Mum. I’m not sure how she would survive that.
With that comes a brand new feeling. I have also recently discovered the feeling of death anxiety. Something brand new to me. There is a certain level of fear connected to death anxiety. Fear of dying, which also brings out this odd fear of living at the same time.
I’ve never struggled with anxiety. I have always enjoyed being social. Now, I get the worst anxiety before I have to do something out of the house. I can handle the occasional grocery store run or gas station stop. But I have to be prepared. If I have plans with friends, driving there all I can think about is how to not die, all while thinking about the ways I could die being outside of the house. Such a bizarre feeling. I can’t wait for the summer so I can be outside, but still at home.
Every day is still a struggle to convince myself this is the new normal. That my brother is no longer here. I never would have thought in a million years that my 44 year old brother would die of a heart attack. Completely insane. It will never be ok.
What started off as a great new year surprised us all shortly in last year. Being a new year, I now have to say my brother died last year.
Wednesday March 27th, 2019 is the day he had his heart attack and he died 4 days later. March 31st, the day everything changed.
Nothing will ever be the same. Birthdays, Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, Oiler games, summer, winter, concerts, funny show’s, one liners, jokes-good or bad. I could go on, but the point is NOTHING IS THE SAME without my brother.
I have pictures on my phone from when he was in the hospital attached to tubes, bags and monitors. I still can’t bring myself to even look at them. I took them so that when he woke up I could show him what he looked like so maybe he would understand how scared we were. Had I known that he wouldn’t recover I would never have taken them. I’m not sure I will ever look at them.
My feelings remain the same almost 10 months later. Although I am not mad about it anymore, I do still wonder why everyday. For me not understanding why it happened is the hardest. There simply is no reason. They say everything happens for a reason, but I’m not convinced. For this, there is no reasonable explanation. And I guess that’s okay.