Tag Archives: Grief

I’m not mad at you, 2019. Just disappointed

What started off as a great new year surprised us all shortly in last year. Being a new year, I now have to say my brother died last year.

Wednesday March 27th, 2019 is the day he had his heart attack and he died 4 days later. March 31st, the day everything changed.

Nothing will ever be the same. Birthdays, Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, Oiler games, summer, winter, concerts, funny show’s, one liners, jokes-good or bad. I could go on, but the point is NOTHING IS THE SAME without my brother.

I have pictures on my phone from when he was in the hospital attached to tubes, bags and monitors. I still can’t bring myself to even look at them. I took them so that when he woke up I could show him what he looked like so maybe he would understand how scared we were. Had I known that he wouldn’t recover I would never have taken them. I’m not sure I will ever look at them.

My feelings remain the same almost 10 months later. Although I am not mad about it anymore, I do still wonder why everyday. For me not understanding why it happened is the hardest. There simply is no reason. They say everything happens for a reason, but I’m not convinced. For this, there is no reasonable explanation. And I guess that’s okay.

I miss you so much, Michael. We all do.

Seek and Balance

There are a lot of emotions and feelings that happen after you lose your brother that nobody talks about.

In my case, my only sibling was my brother. There is this brand new fear of death. I was never scared of death much before he passed away. Maybe it’s not so much a fear of death and more like pressure to live.

Pressure to live, to not have my Mum go through something like that pain again. Pressure to live and to continue doing the things my brother loved. So he knows that every day I think of him. Everyday. I still have a hard time not crying, at least fight back tears at the mention of his name. Sometimes it only takes a thought of him and I’m triggered.

Lately my emotions get confused and shuffle themselves and buddy up. This new hybrid-emotion I’ve  started feeling is something like a frustration-rage. I have no idea how it happens, but I’m sure it falls somewhere within the grieving process.

It doesn’t last too long, thankfully and if I’m fortunate enough for it to happen while I’m driving I can usually balance my self out with the help of some music.

My People

I miss you so much, Michael. We all do.

A Day To Remember

November 11th, we take time to remember those who gave their lives so we could live ours. Free and in peace. Those who sacrificed all they had. Some returned home to their families, and some were not that fortunate.

Each year that passes brings even more to remember. More lives lost in this past year. So much to be grateful for as each day passes. Family, health and friends.

I miss you, Michael. We all do.

Death comes and goes with it’s many faces

The past few weeks have been a heavy weight on the heart. My mother in law, who has courageously battled cancer for many years has decided on a medically assisted death.

I can’t agree or disagree with this because I have never experienced this before. What I can say is I am proud of her decision. I admire her strength to be able to make that decision. And ultimately, it’s her decision and she has made it. It’s what she thinks is best.

The level of dignity in that decision is how we all should come to an end. No more pain for all. I know it seems strange to think about and many are not that fortunate. And possibly the most important thing at that time is to know how loved that person was. To be surrounded by your family, who loves you and wishes the pain would go away.

No matter the size of their family, big or small. Coming together to celebrate life and love is what matters most.

Memories really are the best things well ever have.

World’s Greatest Gift

Recently this showed up at our place. I had purchased a subscription for my brother last Christmas, 2018.

I kind of forgot about it actually. I was so proud that after all these years I finally found him the perfect gift. He was so excited when he got the first one. I think he only enjoyed the first magazine before he had his heart attack in March.

He used to spend all of his money on the same things growing up- fireworks, Popular Science, Popular Mechanics, and candy. And any left over money went to more candy.

It breaks my heart that he didn’t even get to enjoy his whole subscription. Just another reason that his death wasn’t fair. Every day I find at least one more reason.

I miss you, Michael. We all do.

I’ll Always Have Google, I Guess.

There have been so many feelings lately. My go-to, how-to, how do I guy is no longer here to answer questions or just be there to do things I’ve never done before. Or to show me how to do those things.

Growing up I always had a fear of lawnmowers. Well the time came a few years back  when I had asked my brother to come show me how to use my new lawnmower.

Away he went, around the yard, over and over. When there was just a small patch left he turned to me and asked “wanna try?” I said, no, I’m still scared. So gladly he finished it. That was one of my favorite days with him. He never complained about the work anytime throughout the process.

I guess I’ll always have Google to tell me how to do something, or YouTube to show me. But nothing will come close to the brotherly love I’ve been used to my whole life.

I miss you so much, Michael. We all do.